Like a line from a Debbie Gibson song, ‘Blue Heaven near the Sea’ could have been so wonderfully ironic as the beauty and tranquility that once prompted the thought of such a name is far from the reality of today. The residents themselves are not to be blamed in anyway for the travesty that surrounds them. Throughout all of the years and outside onslaughts, this little community has worked diligently to maintain as much as its own demeanor as possible. It is their neighbors who created all of their problems.  Shakespeare once said that a rose by any name still smells as sweet. What happens, though, if that rose garden is located next to the world’s largest landfill?

In 1948, as the world fell into the Cold War, the Island too had begun a trash war with the rest of the city. The ironically named Fresh Kills Landfill had open for business and happily took in the rest of the city’s garbage up until 2001. Originally designed with a twenty-year lifespan in mind, the city ignored pleas by Islanders to shut it down as it steadily crept on and on for decades more. Eventually, the mound of leftover meatloaf, soiled diapers, Vanilla Ice records, and so on grew to a height rivaling that of the Island’s Todt Hill, the highest natural elevated point on the Eastern Seaboard.  The city, through their trash, had managed to rob the Island of a famed natural landmark and replaced it with a manufactured one that even threatened to take away China’s own accomplishment of the Great Wall as being the world’s largest manmade structure. Travis once overlooked miles of tranquil farmland filled with fresh air and magnificent scenery, now it dwells within the shadow of a giant pile of trash, its fresh air replaced with half a century of human refuse. Even though the dump may now be closed, the smell is still just as sickly, thanks to Travis’s other neighbor.

The Garden State may be what the rest of the world thinks of when the name New Jersey is spoken aloud. However, Islanders know what that lady looks like without her makeup on, as New Jersey’s so-called Chemical Coast wages an even more toxic warfare on the Island and Travis then dump could ever come close to. It has been said that sanitation workers at the dump wore masks and respirators, not to filter out the smell of garbage, but to ward off the chemical cocktail that would blow over from New Jersey. The name Chemical Coast is derived from the series of manufacturing plants, oil refineries and chemical plants that litter the Jersey coastline along the Arthur Kill, the body of water that separates the Island from the mainland. Unfortunately for the Island, the wind typically blows in our direction bringing the aftereffects of the industrial age into the nostrils and lungs of Islanders. It’s not just a bad smell, though, that Jersey brings upon Travis. The Island as a whole, and Travis especially, has become a cancer cluster as a result of the gift that Jersey sends our way everyday, though officially the study is still eternally unfinished on that fact.  Ironically, in many ways the dump has become the Islands only defense against the Chemical Coast as its height helps to obstruct the direct flow of air between Jersey, Travis and the Island’s surviving ecosystem.

While the literal flowers may no longer smell as sweet in Travis, its people and its history help make up for the theft. Travis has a rich history that includes once serving as the beginning of the colonies’ then nation’s first major road systems. The then Richmond Turnpike (now called Victory Blvd) would carry travelers from New York harbor through the Island to Travis where they would ferry across and continue on their way to major destinations at the time, such as Philadelphia. Travis also served as a battleground for a clash between George Washington’s Revolutionary army and Britain’s Redcoats. Linoleumville wasn’t just a funny name at one time; the town actually was home to the one of the nation’s first linoleum factories, if not the first. It’s also the former home to famous author Paul Zindel who based many of his stories right on the Island and Travis is still home to Oceanic Engine 1, one of the nation’s oldest continuously operating volunteer fire houses. And with Travis’s Independence Day Parade about to turn 100, it’s obvious that, while the sea can no longer be seen past the dumps and factory smog,  the people of Travis are still proudly living in a red, white and blue heaven.

By S. Elliot Fisher

When MTV first came to the Island twenty years ago, it seemed like an honor. They were still cool and hip; they focused on all things that had to do with music. That is what the “M” stood for in their name, after all. They had this neat new little show called aptly enough, The Real World, about a bunch of kids from around the country, living together in New York City for a spell. In an early episode the group came to the Island to visit The Red Spot, a nightclub on the North Shore. It seemed like a real feather in the Island’s cap, at the time, to have one of our music venues featured on television. If only we knew then what we know now about the monster that reality TV would become, then we could have slain it then before it was too late. But we didn’t and it did grow beyond all imagining. Fifteen then twenty years later, MTV would return to the scene of the crime, to our Island, to reveal an ugly truth that no one likes to admit to. Once again, despite the disdain and criticism thrown at the exploitive nature of reality TV industry, it is not their fault in this case. Staten Island has no one else to blame but itself for the contributions it made to MTV’s True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl and The Jersey Shore.

Both the one off episode of True Life and the entire series run of Jersey Shore present a unique type of individual indigenous to Staten Island. There have been many descriptive names slung at this class of human being, usually and unfairly linking Italian heritage to the archetype. This is a misnomer, though, and Italians, who along with Greeks gave us the foundation for modern civilization, should not be looked upon as the genesis for such Islanders. No, this is a personality, a culture that was sown, nurtured and brought to blossom right here on the Island. The standard fare of stereotypical nomenclatures must therefore be avoided to protect the innocent. A new name must be given to this subspecies of Staten Islander. Perhaps the “Gold Breasted Dunsel” would be an apt name for this type of Islander. The gold breasted would refer to the extreme tans of such persons and/or to the preference to always be clad in shiny gold chains. Dunsel, a variation of dunce, is self-explanatory; as there is obviously something restricting the flow of blood to their brains (could be the gold chains). It is also a term from science fiction that means a person or thing of no real use, which is also quite true of the type. Now that we have a proper name for them, we can avoid the use of the more colorful, derogatory terms typically used when discussing the ilk, which would reside on the Jersey Shore (despite New Jersey’s Governor Christie statements to the contrary), Brooklyn and most especially Staten Island.

The Gold Breasted Dunsel (GBD) is a rather interesting cultural species. While there is no formal date of their creation, an educated guess of 1965 can be posed. In 1965, the maniacal urban planner, Robert Moses, completed construction of the Verrazano Bridge directly connecting Staten Island with the rest of New York City (through Brooklyn) for the first time in its history. By default, it also gave Brooklyn and New Jersey (to which the Island was already connected by three other bridges) more immediate access to one another with Staten Island serving as the central location. The Verrazano created a new migration pattern where immigrants and working class would move from Brooklyn to Staten Island and finally, New Jersey. Theoretically the mixing of classes and cultures between Brooklyn and New Jersey on the Island could have resulted in a new culture evolving (a term used with great hesitation). Despite the generalization that the GBD are of Italian heritage, the truth is a GBD can be of any ethnic or cultural ancestry; they simply need the right conditions to gestate. These conditions include, but not limited to, growing up in a neighborhood already infested by GBDs, having parents who lied to them as children by telling them things like that they are the center of the universe and the world revolves around them, having family that doesn’t push them out of the nest but instead allows them to live at home well into adulthood (though they are not the only subculture to suffer from this), too much media exposure to the mobster lifestyle (both fictional and in the news), and being in a close vicinity to dance halls and/or night clubs (typically disco or more recently hip-hop).

A GBD can easily be identified from the rest of humanity by clothing choices, language patterns, musical taste, hangouts, levels of alcoholic consumption and skin tone (though not in the way that you think). Though there are obvious variances with each generation, fashion has always been a major component. The basics for male GBDs typically consist of the most trendy and expensive sneaker of the moment, standard T-Shirts or Muscle T-Shirts (sometimes disappointingly referred to as wife-beaters), Track Suits and partially unbuttoned dress shirts, as GBD males are often gym fanatics and enjoy showing off their upper physique. They also like to accentuate their bodies with solid gold plated drapings, usually in the form of a hearing bone chain, saint medallion or crucifix. GBD females have always been fond of high heeled shoes or boots, incredibly tight form-fitting clothing, gaudy earrings and, more recently, naval piercings, as well as G-String underwear that can be exposed from the rear for public view. Brand names are very important to the GBD and a few examples through the ages are PUMA, Jordache, Kamikaze, Cavaricci, Tommy Hilfiger, Ed Hardy, Gucci, and Juicy Couture. Their language patterns are always on the cutting edge of last year’s slang. Proper English has always been an alien concept to them. Males will often revert to more primal grunts while females will emit a high pitch squeal. Music for the GBD has had somewhat of a paradigm shift over the last thirty to forty years of their known existence. Early on, disco produced the mating songs of the GBD, and while the modern version of said music is still a familiar fallback, Hip-Hop has become the more dominant music in the lives of many GBDs. Whether or not they actually understand any of the serious overtones of inner-city Black American life that embodies the spirit of Hip-Hop remains to be seen. Most likely, they simply enjoy the large pounding beats of the music. Their territorial hangouts usually revolve around the gym for the males and suburban malls for the females, along with the many community feasts during the winter months. A somewhat nocturnal group, they will often frequent loud nightclubs, bars and dance halls throughout the year. In the summer season, however, most GBDs migrate to the geographical shore of New Jersey in such areas as Seaside Heights and Wildwood Beach. It is during this period of time that the mating rituals for the GBDs increase to astronomical heights, along with their consumption of alcohol. GBDs enjoy alcohol above all other things except themselves and will often binge drink to a degree that would put a Roman Emperor to shame. Throughout the year they also partake in a strange ritual where by, through so-called tanning salons, they change the color of their skin to orange. It is believed that they are, in fact, trying to achieve the bronze look of natural tanning but the artificial process somehow leads them astray.

While upon initial description GBDs may sound like simple clowns (though circus clowns may take offense to the comparison), they however carry with them a darker history as well.  Perhaps, in part, due to that fact that they were raised to believe that they as individuals are more important then anyone else in the world. This misconception has lead to an arrogance that promotes violent behavior. Both sexes of the species will often behave in a primitively aggressive manner when at their night dwellings, malls and gyms. Whether it is battles with one another to determine the alpha of the group or the belief that all traffic on the road everywhere in the world will yield to them since they’re in a rush to get to the nail salon or vitamin store, they put normal, everyday people into jeopardy. Additionally, there has always been a tendency to act with prejudice towards other cultures or sometimes whole races. Past generations had a particular distaste for Black Americans; though this particular hatred seems to a petered off over the last two generations. Currently the LGBT and Islamic communities seem to be focus of aggression from some, though not all, of the GBD community.

Unfortunately, everything viewers have seen on True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl and The Jersey Shore, in regards to GBDs is quite real. It can not be denied that Jolie, Vinny and The Situation are homegrown. While GBD’s can live in other areas of New York City and throughout New Jersey, Staten Island is most definitely the heart of this culture. The false impression, in this case, is that they represent Staten Island as a whole. Yes, they are a strong presence here on the Island. They are not, however, the majority culture.  In fact, it is safe to say that no culture or subculture has any more dominance over the Island then any other. It would be fair to say, though, that all Islanders do suffer from the fact that these few personalities have dominated the media in recent years and given the misapprehension that they are the face of Staten Island. Really they’re nothing more then just the loudest voice in the crowd. Islanders have a long way to go if they ever want to rescue their reputation which now lies in tatters against the rocks along the Jersey Shore. To move forward, though, first requires that the Island admits the truth to itself.  Yes, Gold Breasted Dunsels are part of our identity, but at least we can say the Snookie isn’t from here.    

By S. Elliot Fisher

Ninety-nine years ago a small group of people (most if not all native Islanders to begin with) got together and founded the community resort in the New Dorp section of Staten Island, which at one point boasted 200 homes and a summer camp, with the intent of giving themselves and their families an escape from inner city life.  For six generations now, the seasonal residents of Cedar Grove have lived harmoniously with the surrounding permanent communities of New Dorp and Oakwood, shopping in local stores, attending local houses of worship during the summer months. They also maintain the surrounding lands at a cost to themselves. Despite the fact that the city has technically owned the land for half of the community’s existence, the community and not the city makes the efforts to maintain all the public areas. Now the Parks Department has a brilliant idea to evict the peoples of Cedar Grove and level their homes, despite having neither the plan nor the money to do anything with the land thereafter.

This is not the first time though that the Cedar Grove has been under siege by the City.  Throughout the nineteen-fifties and nineteen sixties Staten Island as a whole was being assaulted by Robert Moses, a non-elected power mad bureaucrat who had been carelessly destroying neighborhood after neighborhood throughout the city and long island in so called urban planning efforts. It has long been suspected that Moses was a classist and racist who intentionally built many of the regions highways and bridges in a manner that deters public transportation which in his time would have been heavily used by Working Class and Black Americans. On Staten Island, Moses had tried hard to destroy much of the Island’s beauty and its thriving communities to punch a series of highways through it to connect the middle class Jersey suburbs with the rest of New York City.  Cedar Grove was one of those communities targeted by the pencil pushing dictator. In 1962, he had the pristine community condemned, and through eminent domain, the City and Moses stole the land from its true owners. Shortly thereafter, Moses (who had run rampant for almost half a century) began to lose his power and influence, mainly because he pissed of Manhattan residents, not for anything he did to the Island. The Staten Island coastline highway project fell through. Now did the city do the right thing and sell back the land to the residents of Cedar Grove?  Of course not, why would they do something that made sense and was the morally sound thing to do.  Instead the city chose to rent the (so called condemned) land back to the very people who once owned it, and throughout the second half of the century and first decade of the twenty-first, that’s the way it has been. This small community quietly pays their rent as well the maintenance costs for all the surrounding land including the beach itself which is freely accessible to the entire public, including providing pay, room and medical for a year round caretaker of the area. They even spent ten thousand dollars out of pocket this past winter to repair damage caused to Cedar Grove Beach by a Nor’easter in March (2010), a public beach mind you.

This symbiotic relationship has lasted for decades and been a benefit to both the city that receives over a hundred and forty thousand dollars annually in rent from the community, in addition to having to provide no maintenance costs for the upkeep of the beach, and lands that make up the area and the money they also dump back into the local economy every summer.  Now though, a new Robert Moses has reared his ugly head in the form of Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe who seems intent to destroy a treasure of the city and the Island just to assert his own un-elected power.

At some point in 1993, the city agency responsible for maintaining the city’s ownership and lease agreement with Cedar Grove handed custody over to the Parks Department, and even after this move, no mention was ever made by the city to end the agreement until the last few years. What changed is Adrian Benepe who was appointed Parks Commissioner by Mayor Bloomberg in 2002. Apparently Mr. Benepe has some bur imbedded in an uncomfortable location of his body and has decided to take it out on Staten Island.  Mr. Benepe has outright admitted that the Parks Department does not have the funding to fully develop the area for public access; in fact, there isn’t even enough money currently to demolish all of the existing homes and buildings on the site. One need only look next door to the neighboring New Dorp Beach to see what becomes of sites the Parks Department is placed in charge of. New Dorp Beach once shared a similar history as Cedar Grove only there the demolition actually took place, leaving the beach and surrounding area abandoned for decades. New Dorp Beach has become a refuge for those interested drugs, crime and assorted mischief. It has been overgrown and unsightly since the city forced demolition and has done nothing to contribute to the community as whole unlike the residents of Cedar Grove. Only recently has even a small portion of New Dorp Beach been converted for public use by the Parks Department and that was only after the efforts and financing by Island politicians. So it would seem that Mr. Benepe has more of the same in store for us, another strip of abandoned and unused land where miscreants can reign supreme, all to prove his has the power.

Mr. Benepe claims this has to be done because it’s illegal to rent public property to private citizens. If this is true then why has this community been able to exist as renters for forty-eight years? Is Mr. Benepe implying that he is smarter than the last five decades worth of elected city politicians combined? That he was able to catch something that all other previous Parks Commissioners and City Bureaucrats have missed? If that is true, then perhaps Mr. Benepe should run for President and solve all the worlds’ woes. The real question should be is it legal to seize land with eminent domain under the claim that it’s for a project for the public benefit and keep that land for all these year even though the project never actually took place? Another question should be if the city, like the country, is suffering through one of the greatest depressions since the 1930’s should the Parks Department really kill the goose for the eggs? Here is a public beach that is fully maintained and paid for by a community group. If it is illegal to rent public land for private use then why has the city built and leased out new upscale condos along the perimeter of the newly built Brooklyn Bridge Park? Also how can the parks department justify the fact that they own houses that they lease out to employees of their own department at a reduced rate? How can Mr. Benepe answer any of these questions honestly and still be able to justify his actions? Once again, this all comes down to an un-elected bureaucrat trying to prove his might, and once again, Staten Island, the red-headed stepchild of New York City, has proven the easy target.

Mr. Benepe’s arrogance and disrespect for the Island is so great that he has not only defied the wishes of the borough and its legally elected politicians, but another government agency as well.  The State Historic Preservation Office declared the Cedar Grove Beach Club a “rare surviving property type in New York City” and has made it eligible for listing to the State and National Registers of Historic Places. The landmarking agencies of this state take their job very seriously and put a lot of time and effort into which sites are historically important and which are not. In a recent decision involving a site in downtown Manhattan it would have been politically convenient to declare a property of great public conflict a protected site and thereby nulling the debate, but they didn’t, instead they held by their standard and made the correct but politically inconvenient decision.  In the case of Cedar grove though, apparently Mr. Benepes doesn’t feel that the preservation office is smart enough to make such decisions when it comes to properties overseen by the Parks Department and has challenged their declaration in court.

To paraphrase Star Trek, Mr. Benepe is nothing more then a tin-plated, overbearing dictator with delusions of godhood who would rather destroy an extremely beneficial symbiotic relationship between the peoples of Cedar Grove and the City than admit any error on his part. Once again, the needs of Staten Island are thrown to the side for the benefit of one man’s ego, a man who was never elected into office. Mr. Benepe is a man, much like Robert Moses, who raped the citizens of Cedar Grove so many years ago. Mr. Benepe has now come back to Cedar Grove to murder the innocent community who only wanted to provide their families with a safe and cool place to spend the summer and didn’t mind if the rest of the neighborhood stopped by to join them on the beach. Unless a sudden reprieve comes from a higher office September 30^th 2010 will mark the day that one man killed an entire community with the stroke of a pen.

By S. Elliot Fisher

Case in point, the Al Gore wet dream The Day After Tomorrow (2004), a Roland Emmerich film that, like most of his body of work, severs the bonds of reality to take audiences on a rollercoaster ride of fantasy and adventure. In this little ditty, the viewer is led to believe that global warming could result in a virtual instantaneous new ice age for the world. The tale revolves around two groups of characters: one being the brilliant scientist that warns of the coming calamity, the other is his equally brilliant teenage son who refuses to step up and embrace his intellectual gifts. As one could guess, no one listens to the brilliant scientist until it’s too late and all heck breaks lose. While he’s in Washington DC advising the government on how to preserve their posteriors, his son is stuck in New York City (Manhattan to be precise) deducing pretty much the same conclusion Dad has already come to.

If you’re wondering what Staten Island has to do with this, don’t worry it’s coming. Following the first onslaught by Mother Nature, Junior, his pals and a number of other survivors take refuge at NYC’s main library. While in the preverbal eye of the storm, a faction of the NY survivors decide to make a break for it. They ignore Junior’s warnings that the worst is yet to come and head south for supposed safety (if you didn’t cut geography class as a kid you can start to see the connection now). Cue the dad who’s skipped out on the government and is heading away from DC toward NYC to save Junior. So the worst of the storm hits and those who don’t take the correct kind of precaution are frozen to death. After the second wave, Daddy nears his son’s refuge, when he comes across the faction of Junior’s group that made a run for it. They are now frozen popsicles laying beneath a sign for the Staten Island Expressway. To survive so much mayhem only to buy it on Staten Island, what a way to go. Shortly thereafter Dad and Junior are reunited and the camera pans to establish that others have survived in the rest of the city, but no sign of life is shown on the Island though.

If we didn’t have enough problems with Mother Nature, aliens are also raining down the hate on our humble little Island. In the Steven Spielberg film version of War of the Worlds (2005) Staten Island is plagued by alien invaders, Tom Cruise and being mistaken for Boston. The jury is still out on which of these fates is the worst. In the 1898 original HG Wells novel, the Martian invasion starts in England, they pretty much rout humanity, which they intend to use as either food or fertilizer or both. Before their grocery shopping and gardening can be completed, they realize that they forgot to take their flu-shot and promptly drop dead allowing humanity to survive. In the Spielberg version, the invasion begins in Bayonne, the Island’s neighbor to the west. The first major target the aliens decide to take out is the Bayonne Bridge, as the name implies, does have one side in Bayonne, but it was built primarily to serve as a conduit for Staten Islanders. As if this Island didn’t have enough problems with travel on and off of it. It would be surprising, though, if the Martians weren’t dispatched by the ghost of Robert Moses though, as the Bayonne Bridge includes the only foot path off the Island, as well it was (is) being considered for a Jersey light rail connection. Yeah, that has to be it.  Well, if not Moses then definitely the MTA. To add further insult to injury, Spielberg decided to substitute the Richmond Parkway (yeah, it has a new name now that’s way too long to be bothered with) for a Boston highway instead. So all those bleak post apocalyptic images you see of refugees wandering the highways, yep that’s Staten Island.

But in Sci-Fi, Staten Island can not only be deadly, no that would be too merciful, it can also drive you to the edge of sanity. Just ask Georgie Sutton (David Richmond-Peck), one of the main characters from the new “V” (2009) television series on ABC. You know the resistance fighter who obviously has too many screws loose? He’s from Staten Island, and when he was getting too close to the truth of the impending invasion, alien sleeper agents slaughtered his family. Of course you’d be loopy too if your wife and kids were killed by lizard people. So, in short, the so called ‘visitors’ sneak on to Earth wearing human skin to disguise themselves (wonder what PETA would think about that) so they can see what needs to be done pre-invasion. Our then hero, not quite zany yet, discovers their deception. They wipe out his family but he survives and tries time and again to put a coalition together, but he fails and the fledgling freedom fighters buy it. Finally, the aliens have their coming out party, pretending to be our friends only to really have something more devious in mind for us. Staten Island boy finally catches a break and gains a few allies one of which is an anti alien alien. They blow some stuff up, have a few fights get pulled from sweeps week, and get put back on after sweeps is over. Finally a moment of truth comes our Staten Island hero must sacrifice himself in order to save the other resistance fighters from being captured. He gets caught, is tortured and decides to off himself so as not to talk. The aliens then revive him. The poor schmuck can’t catch a break, but then you should have realized that, after all, he’s from Staten Island.

If Hollywood really is interested in Staten Island and science, they could approach it from a more realistic take (no, reality TV is not real) on the subjects. Why not produce a cool bio-picture about Antonio Meucci (1808 – 1889). Who’s Meucci you ask?  Why he’s none other than the inventor of the telephone. No, Alexander Graham Bell (1847 – 1922) did not invent the phone; he just refined the technology and made money off the work of others. Kind of what Starbucks does with coffee. Meucci invented the prototype phone at his Staten Island home in 1871. Bell, on the other hand, didn’t invent his version of the phone until 1876. A patent war ensued, and Bell turned out to be more legally savvy then Meucci. Think of the script that could be written a technology race at a time when such a device was considered science fiction and a big legal drama to boot. Also Meucci gave aide and comfort to numerous Italian political revolutionaries who were trying to unify that nation. Wouldn’t that make a great subplot? The story of Meucci would definitely be more interesting then a people Popsicle flick.

There’s also Professor Irving K. Robbins and the Astrophysical Observatory at the College of Staten Island (CSI). Prof. Robbins heads up a cooperative based at CSI between NASA and the City University of New York (CUNY). Science fact is hot right now Michio Kaku of City College New York (CCNY) is all over the airwaves right now, especially on the Discovery Channel. ABC would be wise to drop the downer aliens-killed- my-family show for a love-from-CSI-with-Prof. Robbins-science show. I’m sure Prof. Robbins would look just as hip, if not more so, than Prof. Kaku does in a leather jacket.  He could be Staten Island’s bad boy of science and technology. Perhaps he could even dedicate one episode to teaching the cast of “The Jersey Shore” how to screw in a light bulb (But that’s another blog).

Science fiction and Staten Island doesn’t always need to end in disaster. If Hollywood were to simply take a few minutes to look at all the possibilities the Island has to offer they might find a few gems. Okay’s here’s the pitch; the MTA actually builds a state of the art subway connection between Staten Island and the rest of the city. Oh wait! You’re right; there’s no way anyone could ever believe fantasy like that!

By S. Elliot Fisher

The Staten Island Advance recently reported on the possibility of a Trader Joes, a national chain health food stores coming to the Island. This is great news, because the Island is not afraid to eat healthy. Staten Island is littered with small mom and pop health food eateries and stores. The Island is also home to one of New York City’s last remaining fully operational farm (yes, a farm grows in NY). The South Shore, as well, takes advantage of its suburban design and fills most backyards with fruit and vegetable gardens, fresh grown tomatoes being one of the favorite options for Islanders to grow. And as Staten is known as “the borough of parks,” hikers, runners and walkers can be found everywhere trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. So the announcement of Trader Joes potential venture was quite exciting, however a small aside mentioned in the article brings an equal amount of disheartening to the Island.

In the article, Cesar Claro, the president and CEO of the Staten Island Economic Development Corporation (SIEDC), commented on how they’ve been trying to get such stores interested in the Island for years and how another major chain, “Whole Foods Market” would not set up shop because they require at least 42% of the community to possess college degrees specifically a Bachelors degree or better. If Claro’s information is accurate, this requirement is most alarming indeed. It most likely stems from one or two points of thinking on behalf of Whole Foods. The belief that the community is not intelligent enough to consider a healthier lifestyle or that its mean income is too low to afford to shop at a store that sells high-end products.

If this is the case, Whole Foods couldn’t be further from the truth. Their bourgeois attitude is costing both them and Staten Island an opportunity for a unique symbiotic relationship. It also brings to light further unfounded prejudice against the borough, as the Island has several very large groups who are highly intelligent non-degree holders who earn as much if not sometimes more then the average college graduate.

Take for example that Staten Island is home to many of the city’s first responders, especially firefighters. This fact can be visually confirmed during the holiday season when New York’s Bravest prove true to one stereotype of themselves and set the community aglow with colorful lights and ornaments. Aside from an affinity for the holidays, New York’s first responders are also very intelligent and the highly skilled. It’s simply that the majority of all the training they go through for their careers doesn’t require college accreditations. Not to mention first responders do go on to finish college at a later age some to move up in Rank and others for simple self satisfaction.  

There is also the financial aspect as well, while first responders may start out on the low end of the pay scale they move up the ladder quickly and by the time they retire can be earning near or above six figures. If a six figure salary is not enough to satisfy the robber barons’ at Whole Foods nothing will.

First responders are not the only Island residents though that probably would go unnoticed by Whole Foods because of a lack of a formal degree. The Island is home to many in the building industry; plumbers, electricians, masonries and artisans of all types dwell here en masse! That fact is though this type of skilled labor is, for the most part, still passed on the old fashion way of apprenticeship, with young individuals working under the supervision of a ‘master’ of that field. Slowly they move up the ladder until they themselves become experts in their field. While the city requires certification and licensing for many of these professions it’s still not bourgeois enough for Whole Foods as a college degree would be.

A quick glance at any of these blue collar artisans easily reveals a level of problem solving and complex understanding that would rival any college alum.  As for plumbers or electricians, in building a house or tall structure they must plot and layout intricate macro networks of pipe and wire that easily resemble to same micro networks of integrated circuits or cache of code that any computer science or engineering post-grad may encounter. Masonry is a knowledge that goes back thousands of years. Rome built and Empire on the ability to erect buildings, stretch roadways or manipulate the flow of water.  In post antiquity times, masons, in what could easily be considered a predecessor of the modern day labor unions, formed the Free Masons. This fraternal organization would eventually evolve into the very foundation that built the United States from both a literal and existential perspective. Most, if not all, of the founding fathers were Free Masons. So to believe that manual labor jobs might indicate a lesser or stagnant intellect is just preposterous. If the brick layer can evolve into the architect of the modern democracy then it’s safe to assume that they would have no problem in building interesting in expending their palate and living a healthier lifestyle.

Financially, the blue collar avant-garde can easily exceed the earned income of the average college graduate. A simple look at wholesale outlets like Costco, BJ’s Wholesale and Sam’s Club proves it. These bulk purchase businesses are cash and carry only and were built initially to cater to unions. Over the years, they’ve successfully grown exponentially thanks to the massive influx of money from trade workers. The Island ‘s Costco is packed wall to wall with customers from open to close seven days a week, so much so that they’re planning on expanding the size of the store to accommodate their popularity.  The bulk stores’ popularity also demonstrates the thriftiness of the average Islander, but why would Whole Foods actually want a customer base that has a large reserve of liquid assets, that’s willing to spend in large sums so long as the investment they’re getting in return is of high quality or value? Yeah, there’s no way a supermarket that specializes in high end health food would have interest in such a person.

Speaking of intellect, it’s not just the wholesale outlets that are jam packed with Islanders.  Contrary to the belief of many, the brick and mortar Barnes & Noble, which is just a block or two from where Trader Joes is likely to be, has been packed since it opened several years back. This proves that, yes, Staten Islanders do have a thirst for knowledge!

Even our higher education establishments can demonstrate that, while often delayed, Islanders are constantly seeking to nurture their intellectual growth. The College of Staten Island (CSI), the borough’s only representation by the City University of New York (CUNY) has an average student age of twenty-eight. That’s well past the normal average expected of a college by the nouveau riche hipster mentality. The reason being is that most Islanders want a higher education even if they don’t necessarily require one for their career. So it’s not uncommon to encounter students in their thirties, forties even eighties, engaging in academic debate inside the hallowed halls of the Island’s academia. Many of the older undergraduates often cite that retirement has given them an opportunity to explore new venues and careers in their lives. Of course it can easily be seen that such inquisitiveness would be of no value to a store that offers products foreign to the average supermarket. This year, CSI has seen its highest enrollment ever; over fourteen thousand students are now enrolled and attending class. CSI has had to impose a waiting list for incoming students because its ranks are now so busting. And this is just one of three colleges that service the Island.

If Whole Foods’ demographic requirement is accurate, then they have so missed the mark in indentifying communities to expand into. Staten Island has the intellect, the wealth, the expectation of quality and the curiosity to take full advantage of such a store as theirs. They already do. Just look at any Islander’s EZ-Pass or GPS record and frequent trips out to Trader Joes in Queens, Wegmans in Woodbridge and yes even Whole Foods in Red Bank, NJ. Islanders are already buying from Whole Foods and its competition, but its arrogance will soon be its undoing when Trader Joes come to town, a company that was willing to look past what’s on paper and into the soul of a community that’s a perfect fit for evolved eating.

By S. Elliot Fisher

Staten islander’s love to complain especially, those from the suburbs of Shaolin. No one in this nation can bitch, whine or complain better than an Islander. While most complaints emanating from the Island are trivial and shallow, a few are quite serious and legitimate though some boroughs believe they can compete with our woes.

It would seem that the good people of Queens have a dilemma for the next several months.  The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) will be performing track work on the A train subway system throughout that region of the city, thereby throwing their public transportation (PT) system into total disarray. It then shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that the people of Queens are put off by the inconvenience. What is surprising though, at least from Shaolin’s point of view, is the extreme level of whining coming out of Queens especially when the delays in travel time and the level of service during renovations still fail to exceed that of Staten Island’s PT when service is operating at its best. Queens has no reason to despair when compared to Staten Island.

 Whenever there’s even a slight delay in service throughout any other part of the city its residents are up in arms over the inconvenience. The media, a willing accomplice, is always there, cameras and microphones in hand to egg on the chorus of, “Why me?” No one in the city, though, seems to pay any mind to the fact that Staten Island is so greatly neglected by the MTA and City Hall when it comes to our PT woes.

Staten Island is the only borough in New York without a single subway line, nor does it have access to Amtrak or the Long Island Railroad (LIRR). The Island does have one surface train to speak of, and that one only runs across the south shore, it doesn’t even connect to the rest of the city or neighboring New Jersey. On paper the train, Staten Island Rapid Transit (SIRT) is supposed to run every 20 minutes during day hours, but in practice it usually runs more like 30 to 40 minutes instead. At night, the SIRT wait time is increased to one every half-hour or hour, depending on how late it is. To depart this fair isle, a commuter must travel up to the Staten Island Ferry terminal where, like the SIRT, it runs every 30 minutes to an hour. After crossing the harbor, which takes another half-hour, a traveler can then access the subway system that crisscrosses the rest of New York City and runs every 10 to 15 minutes or better.

The Island’s bus system is even worse. To travel from one side of the Island to the other can take hours. The infrequency of bus pickups is laughable compared to the rest of the city. And, unlike the subway system, it can easily get bogged down in rush hour traffic. Busing on the Island is designed to give priority to only two types of commuters—residents coming in from Brooklyn to shop in the New Dorp or New Springville retail zones and Manhattan workers. Those Islanders who need to travel around the Island they’re seriously out of luck.

Take for example South Shore residents looking to travel to the College of Staten Island (CSI) by bus (or train to the Ferry).  There are no direct routes to the college. They have one of two options: they can either travel to the Ferry terminal or to the Mall then transfer to a second bus. Once at the college they have to either walk down a very lengthy pathway in the rear of the campus which leads to the south quad or walk and equally long distance to the North quad or catch the loop bus at the front of the campus. So it takes three separate buses and up to two-and-a-half hours for a South Shore resident to travel to CSI via PT, when the same trip by private automobile takes 15 to 20 minutes to arrive from the South Shore to a school that is almost at the center of the Island. All because the MTA just doesn’t care enough about Island residents to cater to their needs. As if to prove this, the MTA did manage to create a more direct bus line for CSI students coming in from Brooklyn but felt there was no need to improve service for the students travelling in from the South Shore.  It’s even worse for anyone who works on the Island, especially in New Springville, as the buses that cater to bringing Brooklyn residents over here to shop, stop running shortly after the Mall closes. What the MTA doesn’t take into consideration is the fact that the workers in New Springville have to clean up after the Brooklyn hordes have gone home. Many Mall employees don’t get out of work until after the direct bus lines have stop running and are then required to take not one but two buses homes extending their commute by hours from a location that only takes minutes by private auto.

The aforementioned are but a few of the Island’s transit woes. Woes that would seem far greater than some A train rider having to wait a few extra minutes or walk a few more blocks for a train that will take them anywhere in the city in a fraction of the time  than an individual can traverse just the Island alone. Island residents have tried to improve their situation time and again only to be shot down by citywide politicians. Currently, New Jersey Transit is just aching to extend their highly successful light rail over the Bayonne Bridge and onto the Island which would open up so many possibilities for Island commuters. However the MTA and NYC politicians (beyond our own borough president) have no interest in allowing the project to go through. The North Shore still has a rail line in place despite service having been halted since the 1950’s. Island politicians have been promising for more then a decade now to restore the service but the rest of the city continues to drag its feet and block attempts to move the process along. Fare increases hit the Islands harder than the rest of the city simply because the Island has no alternatives when it comes to transit. An Islander working in Manhattan has to decide between overpaying for express bus service or to drive themselves over the Verrazano Bridge. When the MTA does hold hearings about service cuts and fare increases for the city and/or Island, they always hold them at CSI at a time and day when they know most Islander’s are stuck on buses in rush hour traffic. So when no one shows up they say “we tried, but no one showed” leaving the Island to once again bear the burden of service cuts, while the other boroughs always show up to such meetings in force because the system is set up for them to get around the city with little delay or woe.

So the next time someone from Queens, Brooklyn, The Bronx or Manhattan feels like they need to whine or feel sorry for themselves because the local is running 10 minutes behind schedule they should come visit Staten Island. After traveling around this borough for the day, they’ll feel a lot better about their situation and more then likely thank their god that they’re not forever trapped in Staten Island.

By S. Elliot Fisher

Staten Island has more then just slums, though.  It is quite different from the rest of New York City in having both a dense urban environment, the type most of the world envisions when New York City, comes to mind on its North Shore and a vast sprawling suburb along its South Shore. In many ways the south shore of the island is comparable to the suburbs most commonly associated with New Jersey (in both good and bad ways).

It is these more rural areas from which the concept for the Suburbs of Shaolin was born. The South Shore is a bizarre paradigm in culture. Despite all the offerings granted to its mostly white middle- class residents of: well-funded schools, vast parkland, low crime and high property values, the youth of the last decade (if not some adults as well) have tried very hard to identify themselves with the all too often over glorified gangsta rap culture from which the north shore (as mentioned) came to be known as the Slums of Shaolin.

The young men and women of the ‘burbs often enjoy sporting the latest slum cliché outfit, bought in a mall boutique and designed to make even the palest Caucasian appear to be a street-hardened hoodie, as if anyone of them ever could truly understand the reality of inner city life or the obstacles young Black Americans have to face in order to just survive, let alone prosper in life. Yet, these annoying young white denizens will drop the harshest of language along with the lowest of racial slurs and tell tales of how hard life is in the hood for them. That is until mom calls them on their cell phone to let them know its time to return to the townhouse or McMansion for dinner. And if they’re far from home no need to fret. Dad will just swing by in the SUV, so junior doesn’t have to hurt his or her little feet walking all the way home.

It was from that particular point of middle class gangsta hypocrisy, that the idea for the Suburbs of Shaolin was born. However, newborn children do not simply stay children, they grow into something more, so has the idea for the Suburbs of Shaolin evolved into more then just a simple idea.  North or South shore, slums or ‘burbs, the sum of Staten Island is greater than just one stereotype, one culture, one way of thinking. To point out and debate that it’s only a place where two often mocked stereotypes mingle or all of its flaws would be criminal for the forgotten borough (the Island’s other unfortunate nickname). There is as much high culture, as there is low. Both types of behavior should be recognized and explored equally. Staten Island’s suburban gangstas are always talking about keeping it real then the realism of the Island’s diverse culture, must be brought to light.

The Suburbs of Shaolin hopes to be as much a booster for all the good the Island has to offer as it will be about pointing out the vast wealth of egomaniacal, self-righteous, self-indulgent hypocrisy that has unfortunately brought so much negative attention to the Island in recent years. The main focus of The ‘Burbs will revolve around Island-centric politics and culture (both pop and refined). Additionally, from time to time, there may be features on Island individuals or businesses that contribute (or possibly detract) to the Island’s image and quality of life. There will be no paid endorsement of businesses or persons. Though intended to be an opinion-based blog, The ‘Burbs hopes to maintain an unbiased objectivity in forming its opinions.

So please come and stay a while in The ‘Burbs; it is such a pleasant place. As you stole past our menagerie of neighbors you will be treated to not only the aforementioned suburban hoodlums, but other astonishing peoples as well like our orange-skinned (from over-tanning) fist pumping fanatics of Mtv reality fair, or our mall goths who emerge from mommy’s air-conditioned Wi-Fi equipped basement when the moon is full (or Hot Topic is having a sale) to lament much like the hoodies about how hard life is when they’re parents pay for everything. Those are just a few of the amazing residents of this Island. There are over half a million on this floating rock, some of them may even surprise you like our poets, artists and musicians. So please get off our lawn, put aside you 40 oz., and grab a latte; it is the suburbs after-all, nice to meet you.

By S. Elliot Fisher